It’s all in your head

This week has been rough. To provide a legitimate reason?

RELAPSE

“So what’s the matter?”

“What’s the issue?”

“Why’re you being like that?”

“I have never seen you like that”

Wow.

I guess, I don’t know what to say. All these questions that I myself don’t have the answers to and I have to account them to you other people.

It’s overwhelming.

I guess, that’s the cause of my concerns.

TRIGGERED

(and mildly provoking my existential crisis)
((brace yourself for rant ahead))

It’s messed up. I don’t really understand why people ask me questions related to what I want to do in the future. Like tbh 99.99% of these people don’t even care (ok I shan’t use this to create a debacle about how superficial society is nowadays) but it triggers me internally. Because firstly, I don’t even know for sure what I want myself. I know what I like and certain things that I want to go into but I don’t 100% know what I want to do for the rest of my damned life okay?! Secondly, if I have not even accounted to myself I don’t see why I have to account to you. Yeah yeah yeah I understand that you might be “interested” or like its good small talk conversation or like good to broaden your horizons. But whatever the hell you’re doing has placed me in a bad situation. Yeah yeah yeah how’re you supposed to know that, I don’t know but it’s pissing me off when you say things like “do you even know how absurd you sound right now” just because what I haven’t figured out seems to matter so much to you. Good lorde get a grip and run your own life instead don’t run mine for me just leave me alone and let me do me uRGH!

TLDR; this week has been yet another one of the existential crisis weeks and meeting a douche bag and then relapsing into a reclused shell.

So yeah, maybe it’s pride but I have somewhat managed to see the brighter picture. Let go of the rest and just do what I want to because all those side comments are but just side comments. Still, it’s a lesson (even to myself now that I think about it) that people will be affected about the things you say so be cautious of what you put across.

Finding that inner zen within.

The rest?

It’ll fall into place

(I hope)

 

It scares me

So I came across this quote yesterday:

“The main problem of choosing what to do in life boils down to simple math: every hour you spend on one pursuit is one less spent on another. This problem is so paralyzing that some people never even choose.”

Source

Which really led me to wonder and reevaluate most of the decisions I make on the daily. I have been trying to make more plans for my future recently since I am of the current maturity to do so. I should have started thinking about it long ago but- I just didn’t. I love just cruising through life at times being so carefree. It’s wonderful.

In reality, there isn’t much time for me to be able to enjoy this luxury. Since it was never mine to begin with, all the more I have to find ways and means to upkeep this lifestyle (should I put it that way?) After realizing that I have to somewhat be independent on my own someday, it makes me uncomfortable. It always had but more so now when time is just not on my side anymore.

It’s flooding it’s endless. I tell myself take it one at a time when it starts to suffocate. I don’t know is it just a 20-year-old, naive and ‘me’ thing or what? But after doing a bit of planning, it makes me withdraw from the situation. One part got me thinking that that’s all there is to it and another part of me also thinking that it’s so difficult to accomplish whatever there is. I take a step back from this whole thing and just feel like “drop everything now meet me in the pouring rain kiss me on the sidewalk take away the pain” (HAHA sorry that Taylor reference was so Swift). Just to lighten the mood up but also hoping to bring a message across.

It really scares me how there’re so many possibilities that can happen in the future. Yet thinking about all these possibilities also seem like there’s all there is to happen.

I find that ironic. How could I ever come up with such a conflicting argument. I hate instances like these because it usually strikes me dysfunctional for a couple moments- seconds, minutes, hours, days, months, maybe even years?

All in all, let me move onto the quote now.

“The main problem of choosing what to do in life boils down to simple math: every hour you spend on one pursuit is one less spent on another. This problem is so paralyzing that some people never even choose.”
(Just in case you forgot)

Seems like there’s a hidden notion of the meaning of opportunity cost in the statement. For every hour you spend on something, you have less for another. Which also seems pretty logical for the most part.

However, the real part of the quote that resonated with me was that “This problem is so paralyzing that some people never even choose.”

Which kinda struck a chord in me. I have always been all about that procrastination and instant gratification kind of gal so I choose the easy way out most of the times. Instead of studying, I play. Instead of working, I sleep. Instead of sleeping, I play. Yeah goes round and round, I’m ashamed that I am/ was(?) like that (before?) too. It has always been easier and the last minute all-nighters usually used to work too.

And now, since it doesn’t really work anymore, I just want change.

Create

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She’s never really truly cared for anything. All along she’s been cruising through the roads. Floating wherever the waves took her. She’s been so well-sheltered that she has never had the need to actually care for nothing. Hence, she didn’t really care for anything enough.

A crossroad. She stopped in her tracks. One of the most important decisions that she has to make this time around. Since all her years, she took the path that was paved for her. They said follow the yellow brick road, it takes you where you want to be. And so she did but did not at the same time. She deviated from where she should be. Since most things were given to her, she never had to work for it. And in all its entirety, it came back to her at the crossroad.

And this time, she’s all alone too. So, what should she do?

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There were a few downhills that she stumbled and tumbled in the past experience. When she was all on her own, she fell. Her wrong turns led her real downhill and now she’s trying to stand up, she’s trying to get back up.

She wants to fight for what she wants. Her heart wants what it wants. After being acquainted with the real world out there, she too wants a piece of the pie. She’s wants something she can call her own.

She’s willing to fight everything out to keep going another day. She was weak, now she’s coming back. Stronger than ever.

Let me introduce you to her child-
her creation

It’s beautiful

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Daily Prompt: Create

Time

is ticking

is infinitely finite

is abundantly limited

is intangibly tangible

is something that we are running out of

is never enough

There’s never enough time

for me

or you

or us

Was just thinking about this, it could take us a whole eternity to know a person and yet you don’t actually really know them. Just think about it. Let’s start with people closest to us. Family? Friends? The amount of time don’t seem to matter. It’s subjective, yes you could know their personality habits etc after interacting/ growing up with them after some time. But you can never really know someone. You could know all their favorites food, song or things but think again, do you really know them? For me, I think I don’t. It’s ever-changing. I’d think that I’m friends with so and so for quite some time now but then in the next instance we could disagree on something and maybe not be friends. I don’t know why, it just seems a little quirky to me. Hm. Another example, let’s consider someone you look up to. Maybe parents, most parents try to be role models to their younger ones because it’s like a reflections of who they are. But as the years go by, when I start to grow older (and more maturely I hope haha), I start to realize that adults too are flawed. It’s a difficult pill to swallow initially cos I always thought that adults have most of their lives together etc. Yeah? But no not really I guess? I realize that people do make mistakes especially when they’re younger, just like I do.

Just bringing it back down to the point that we are all humans and we’re (usually) not perfect.

Un-deserving

Just a random casual thought, sometimes I feel that there are a lot of things that I have currently are things that I don’t deserve. There are many days where people take a lot of things for granted. And other days where we only start appreciating things that are gone, only seeing the importance of it when devoid of its presence. I’m no exception to this crime. The worst was when it painstakingly devoured me of my sanity to realize what I should have cherished.

Something that I never should have got, was given to me. Something that I should have held dear, disappeared from my grasps. Something that I should have been thankful for, only came in a form of regret.

Just when it hit me that everything I ever had, should have never been mine.

Above all,
I’m thankful just to be able to live to another day.


Thanks for reading
Deborah 🙂

You and Your Dream

In need of motivation? Finding yourself? Your dream? Your motivation? Read this.

This is for all you kids trying to find yourself and your dream. This is my epiphany that I would like to empower all of you with.

After my recent post on surviving depression, I’m going to follow up with this post about finding yourself and following your dream. Or vice versa, finding your dream and following yourself (I think that works as well haha)

Generally, people always want to put a meaning to life. Right? I don’t know about you guys but for me, I have always questioned what I was destined to do, what is my true purpose etc. However, I never actually really had a dream. Yes, I have had vague general ideas about how my life/ future should be when I was younger but I never really set actual goals for myself. All this while, I have been floating through the systematical education of today. I conform to the grind.

School -> Eat -> Sleep -> Repeat

But then, everything changed When the fire nation attacked  When the fire nation attacked

HAHAHA

Ok but its not all that funny anymore when depression attacks….

Anyways!

I have never actively went to seek out what I wanted/ liked/ was afraid it wouldn’t work out. And that’s really sad. Looking back, it’s really sad to think that I was living without a dream. I was just living to… die..? Living in a lack of a passion caused me a lot of problems. All this while, I have always been the type of person to ‘just pass can already’. I get contented easily. Not saying it’s not a good thing but it became a problem when I lacked the driving force to push me to work. And a dream gives you just that. It gives you passion.

I only realize just how important this passion was last year. It cost me a fair bit whole lot of existentialism. When I started university last year, I started looking at people around me and saw that most of them are very passionate about what they are doing. To be honest, it was both admirable and a bit very self-deprecating. There were other students who were equally as lost as me and that’s why I hope to share this epiphany with all the lost souls out there.

After thinking about this and reading multiple Facebook posts about people giving advice to their 20 year old self (Hey! That’s where I am now). It led me to realize that I have to start now. All that bullsheet advice about people telling you that you need to balance practicality and your dreams because some dreams just don’t make enough money. That’s right I just called that a whole load of crap. Scratch that. I completely in my whole human entirety decided that I would like to downright disagree with that argument. Screw that. Just go chase your dreams. No dream? Go find one. Damned right! Follow your heart if you want to. You literally only live once. And right now, let me tell you, this is the best time of your life to do whatever the hell you want.

Do whatever you want right now

Hold up! Say you lack the financial capability to support your dream, you have physical limitations to do what you want and whatever weak excuse that’s stopping you to do what you want. Then be the coward you are and continue running the rat race. But don’t go regretting ten years into the future that you forsook the possibility of following your dreams. Yes, you might be living in comfort because you followed the ‘practical’ path but just think about it, would you be happy?


Let’s consider the scenario that anything is possible. Literally anything!

On the condition that, you want it badly enough and you’re willing to work hard for it. Let me ignite the possibility in you that anything is possible if you want it to be.
ANYTHING! IS! POSSIBLE!

Parents/ people only tell you to find the balance between doing what you like and what brings home the dough because they’ve missed the train. The train of dreams. Yeah yeah talk about simultaneously finding a balance between passion and money or eventually growing to love what you do. But know that, right now at whatever age you are, it’s the best time to chase your dreams.

Why?

Because you have close to zero responsibilities right now to follow these dreams.

Why?

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Why?

Think about what you want to be in 10-20 years time. Would you be content with just holding a regular job? For those currently pursuing education, just think about what you want to do after you graduate. Do you have an answer to that? Good for ya if you do.

If you don’t then I’d suggest you start thinking now. Lost now than lost later. Figure out now and plan from here. It’s really never too late.

To those who are studying what you don’t even like, then I seriously ask you to reconsider changing up your plans. Like how I am planning to. I have been there and I know what it’s like to do that. Let me ask you one simple question, what are you still doing there when it isn’t what you want to do in the future? Honestly, it’s a waste of time if you are using it as a safety net. As your second bet in case of ‘failure’. Why are you doing something that you don’t even like? Really. What the hell for? We know of many others that study and do completely different things after they graduate. What a waste of time, energy, money, resources and EVERYTHING!

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Why?

Stop asking why!!!!!! Just wo/man up and get to doing it already!

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Kudos to those who are actively pursuing their dream. Keep up the good work to those who are finding their dreams. And all the best to those who have yet to find their dreams.

I’ve been having these crazy thoughts.
Tell me. If not now, then when?

Disclaimer:
This post might cost you some existential crisis after reading but you’ve finished reading it already, haven’t you? Oopsy, I don’t mean to cause anyone an existential crisis. Hm.

But seriously, go find and follow your dream.


Xoxo,
Debsy 🙂

Words are liabilities against you

Someone once told me,

“If you trusted me enough,

and if I cared enough.

Then you would tell me.”

Lacking any of the above two functions would mean that,

I wouldn’t tell you.

If I feel like you don’t care enough

or I don’t trust you enough,

then I wouldn’t tell you.

Sometimes, I do really really want to tell you.

Someone.

Anyone.

But they don’t care enough.

And maybe,

Just maybe, I don’t

trust them enough.

So why tell them?