When yesterday seems so far away
To be honest, I feel so young yet so old. It’s just barely been a year since everyone’s been transitioning from college to university. Everyone’s up and about running their races and chasing after their own future. But at this very present moment, after missing the junior college and secondary school days. Time feels so distant. Time seems to be just but a concept.
Reminiscing sucks because it seems like I’m the only person stuck in the past. Maybe because of the chances I failed to take that have led to regrets and what-ifs and what should’ve been.
Okay, let’s not get over dramatic here and cut to the chase. Maybe I just need some legitimate thing to do with life.
Got to carry on livin lovin
Just keep swimmin
This week has been rough. To provide a legitimate reason?
“So what’s the matter?”
“What’s the issue?”
“Why’re you being like that?”
“I have never seen you like that”
I guess, I don’t know what to say. All these questions that I myself don’t have the answers to and I have to account them to
you other people.
I guess, that’s the cause of my concerns.
(and mildly provoking my existential crisis)
((brace yourself for rant ahead))
It’s messed up. I don’t really understand why people ask me questions related to what I want to do in the future. Like tbh 99.99% of these people don’t even care (ok I shan’t use this to create a debacle about how superficial society is nowadays) but it triggers me internally. Because firstly, I don’t even know for sure what I want myself. I know what I like and certain things that I want to go into but I don’t 100% know what I want to do for the rest of my damned life okay?! Secondly, if I have not even accounted to myself I don’t see why I have to account to you. Yeah yeah yeah I understand that you might be “interested” or like its good small talk conversation or like good to broaden your horizons. But whatever the hell you’re doing has placed me in a bad situation. Yeah yeah yeah how’re you supposed to know that, I don’t know but it’s pissing me off when you say things like “do you even know how absurd you sound right now” just because what I haven’t figured out seems to matter so much to you. Good lorde get a grip and run your own life instead don’t run mine for me just leave me alone and let me do me uRGH!
TLDR; this week has been yet another one of the existential crisis weeks and meeting a douche bag and then relapsing into a reclused shell.
So yeah, maybe it’s pride but I have somewhat managed to see the brighter picture. Let go of the rest and just do what I want to because all those side comments are but just side comments. Still, it’s a lesson (even to myself now that I think about it) that people will be affected about the things you say so be cautious of what you put across.
Finding that inner zen within.
It’ll fall into place
I wonder how you doing
And on those days
I wonder what we could’ve been
Reminisce the moments that we should’ve seen
Then again, maybe just maybe
for an eternity
There’s so many things to do in this lifetime
But some days just got me feeling like some kind
And I just don’t know why
In this vast gaping silence
Where everyone wants someone
Everyone wants something
But all I ask for is to sleep for an eternity
And when I awake please let it be past time
Maybe only then can I possibly be fine
After having all these thoughts, it makes me wonder whether I’m still normal. It’s kinda weird. All these things I’m slowly starting to learn about myself. The changes I personally see that’s happening to me, that others don’t
seem to care about.
It’s weird. I’m either really contradictory or really balanced. That in itself is a contradiction. It’s almost in its extremity.
Sometimes- I just can’t. I can’t seem to get ahold of myself. I can’t control these reasonings that go around in its extremities. And its killing me slightly.
If ever people could get inside of my head, would they be like “wtf that’s fill in the blanks yourself)“. Maybe I could think the same of others if I got into their heads. Since that’s what most people are anyways. Maybe I’m not all that special a snowflake. Maybe she’s born with it, maybe its Maybelline.
Sighs, the dramatic irony in it all.
I know (almost) exactly how it is.
It’s just that- I can’t
Do you hate it when people look down on you?
Minimizing the capabilities that you too, doubted about yourself?
You feel angry and upset over the negativity
But deep down inside you know that a part of it is true
And you can’t help but feel even unjustified
Because you too, think that you’re not capable of it
Yet this other vehement part of you wants to prove it wrong
You can’t take it lying down
Just because she said she was able and she don’t think you’re able
All the more you want to show her you are able
that you were right and she was wrong
Because at the end of the day
we only believe in what we want to believe