It’s all in your head

This week has been rough. To provide a legitimate reason?

RELAPSE

“So what’s the matter?”

“What’s the issue?”

“Why’re you being like that?”

“I have never seen you like that”

Wow.

I guess, I don’t know what to say. All these questions that I myself don’t have the answers to and I have to account them to you other people.

It’s overwhelming.

I guess, that’s the cause of my concerns.

TRIGGERED

(and mildly provoking my existential crisis)
((brace yourself for rant ahead))

It’s messed up. I don’t really understand why people ask me questions related to what I want to do in the future. Like tbh 99.99% of these people don’t even care (ok I shan’t use this to create a debacle about how superficial society is nowadays) but it triggers me internally. Because firstly, I don’t even know for sure what I want myself. I know what I like and certain things that I want to go into but I don’t 100% know what I want to do for the rest of my damned life okay?! Secondly, if I have not even accounted to myself I don’t see why I have to account to you. Yeah yeah yeah I understand that you might be “interested” or like its good small talk conversation or like good to broaden your horizons. But whatever the hell you’re doing has placed me in a bad situation. Yeah yeah yeah how’re you supposed to know that, I don’t know but it’s pissing me off when you say things like “do you even know how absurd you sound right now” just because what I haven’t figured out seems to matter so much to you. Good lorde get a grip and run your own life instead don’t run mine for me just leave me alone and let me do me uRGH!

TLDR; this week has been yet another one of the existential crisis weeks and meeting a douche bag and then relapsing into a reclused shell.

So yeah, maybe it’s pride but I have somewhat managed to see the brighter picture. Let go of the rest and just do what I want to because all those side comments are but just side comments. Still, it’s a lesson (even to myself now that I think about it) that people will be affected about the things you say so be cautious of what you put across.

Finding that inner zen within.

The rest?

It’ll fall into place

(I hope)

 

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Surviving Depression

Depression

Disclaimer: this is going to be a rather wordy post so… Settle down.

Depression is a silent illness, it eats you from the inside out. A lot of people over-exaggerate the real meaning of depression. What’s it like to feel depressed and to actually be in depression– there is a difference. Many simply throw around this terminology as if they have depression. Also, many who actually are suffering from depression don’t actually receive adequate and ample help. I’m sure everyone of us out there have their moments. Days where you’re beaten down and just don’t feel like it etc. But what does it really mean to have depression? 

Let’s put this on the table. I like to be real, raw and honest. I don’t like to sugarcoat things just for the sake of making things look pretty. Honestly, we are all human beings who have issues that we are struggling with (unless you are not then good for you lol). Some more obvious than others while some hide better than others.

So.

I have/ had/ still have depression.

Surprise surprise?

This topic is really personal for me to talk about but I have decided to put this out there in hope of helping someone/ anyone who might need it. If this topic doesn’t interest you, be my guest, click away. But I really want to help people like me– or rather people who could relate to me. So, I have decided to share this on the interwebs. For better or for worse? I don’t know, you decide.

Ok back to the topic.

A little back story for people who don’t really know me/ my story.

I am a 20 year old student who is currently taking a ‘gap year’ from university. To cut the long story short, I couldn’t cope with the rigor of university last year (back in 2016) and have decided to take a Leave of Absence from school. Many always ask me what am I doing with life now with so much free time to spare. Raw and honest, I tell them ‘nothing much la just go out with my friends every other day blah blah blah’. Absolutely nothing. But why? Why am I doing nothing? I am taking this time to recover from depression. I was clinically depressed. Meaning, I was on medications last year. I visited the psychiatrist and psychologist last year and took on psychotherapy sessions every few months. Tbh, those barely even helped anyways but wells that’s a story for another day.

Depression is a very very real thing. I really don’t know why there isn’t enough attention/ help given to the depressed. Many connote depressed people to people who are crazy or not normal or even attention seekers.

“She killed herself for attention”

This line from 13 Reasons Why really resonated with a part of me when I first watched it. Shout out to Selena Gomez and please please watch 13 Reasons Why if you haven’t. You have ABSOLUTELY NO reason why you shouldn’t (apologies for the bad pun haha) ok but it’s a really good show for I think almost everyone. I think whether you are a parent/ child/ student or not student- its a good show in general.

Did a quick research about depression and just for statistical proof. There are 350 million people in the world who suffer from depression. Suicide is the third-leading cause of death for young people ages 15 to 24. To put this on a localized context, NTU Students’ Survey Reveals 1 In 4 Singaporeans Suffer From Depression.

“Yet half of people affected by depression are not even seeking any help. The reason for not getting help? Fear of ridicule.”

Reading this breaks my heart because I was once there and I know exactly how it feels like. It’s sad really. Especially when people around you don’t understand. Nevermind them if they don’t want to help or even understand but its the ones that incite and spite you that just push you deeper and further down. Depression cripples you from the inside and eats you almost whole and alive. It’s so much worse than me trying to simplify it into words. When you go so far down to the point where the living isn’t even worth the living anymore.

Have you ever felt that way? I dare not curse this illness unto anyone. It is so bad it takes your life out from the insides. People don’t understand this because it is not something that can be seen. It can’t be seen like a bandaged broken arm, or felt like a fever, its in your head. And no one can see inside of your head.

It is literally: Out of sight, out of mind.

Maybe people you keep close could tell you’re acting a little different, dressing a little weird, saying things a little off your usual self.

But, sometimes, no one cares. Enough.

At least for me, I felt so alone when I had depression.

Maybe I closed myself off, maybe this maybe that. Let’s not play the blame game but it doesn’t diminish the fact that I slowly lost all my friends. Yes my family members were there for me but not extensively. I felt lonely at the surroundings of company. All my friends were asking where did I go why am I only replying them after three weeks months etc.

But no one, cared enough.

”I realize that depression can make me look like a douchebag. Like I don’t care about anyone or anything. But, really, I just don’t care about me.

My depression convinces me I’m worthless, so when I ignore your texts or tell you I’m too busy to hang out, I don’t feel guilty, like I’m hurting someone I love.

I feel like I’m doing you a favor. Like I’m saving you from the horrors of having to be my friend.

I feel like I’m letting you off the hook. Like I’m giving you the excuse you’ve been looking for to leave my life for good, to forget I ever existed.

When my depression hits hard, my self-worth gets warped. I don’t understand that you actually want to see me. That you actually miss looking into my eyes and hearing my voice. That you actually care.

So if I accidentally hurt you, please don’t take it to heart. I’m really not trying to be rude. I’m only trying to make it to tomorrow.’

Take time to read this article I chanced on Facebook

Nevertheless, I am still grateful for all the people who were there for me. Shoutout to you guys (especially my family members) who cared enough. I have made it through so far till today not by my strength alone but by the people who stood by me. I love you guys so much.

Also, my tip for not feeling so bad for yourself or living in bouts of pity party as so I have experienced. Its to be thankful for what you have and not petty about what you do not have. This really helped me a lot in my recovery process. At times I do it excessively to the point I undermine the hurt I feel as a coping mechanism. Additionally, everyone has different sized wounds no matter the size it still hurts.

Yes, its okay to cry over your pain, mope over your grief and wallow in pity. Definitely okay. Just build a bridge and get over it. The world works this way, not everything is going to go your way. Most people are going to go against you. Not everybody is going to be kind to you. But then there’s you.

I’ll just end this off with a fitting slogan-

“Be the change you wish to see in the world”