It scares me

So I came across this quote yesterday:

“The main problem of choosing what to do in life boils down to simple math: every hour you spend on one pursuit is one less spent on another. This problem is so paralyzing that some people never even choose.”

Source

Which really led me to wonder and reevaluate most of the decisions I make on the daily. I have been trying to make more plans for my future recently since I am of the current maturity to do so. I should have started thinking about it long ago but- I just didn’t. I love just cruising through life at times being so carefree. It’s wonderful.

In reality, there isn’t much time for me to be able to enjoy this luxury. Since it was never mine to begin with, all the more I have to find ways and means to upkeep this lifestyle (should I put it that way?) After realizing that I have to somewhat be independent on my own someday, it makes me uncomfortable. It always had but more so now when time is just not on my side anymore.

It’s flooding it’s endless. I tell myself take it one at a time when it starts to suffocate. I don’t know is it just a 20-year-old, naive and ‘me’ thing or what? But after doing a bit of planning, it makes me withdraw from the situation. One part got me thinking that that’s all there is to it and another part of me also thinking that it’s so difficult to accomplish whatever there is. I take a step back from this whole thing and just feel like “drop everything now meet me in the pouring rain kiss me on the sidewalk take away the pain” (HAHA sorry that Taylor reference was so Swift). Just to lighten the mood up but also hoping to bring a message across.

It really scares me how there’re so many possibilities that can happen in the future. Yet thinking about all these possibilities also seem like there’s all there is to happen.

I find that ironic. How could I ever come up with such a conflicting argument. I hate instances like these because it usually strikes me dysfunctional for a couple moments- seconds, minutes, hours, days, months, maybe even years?

All in all, let me move onto the quote now.

“The main problem of choosing what to do in life boils down to simple math: every hour you spend on one pursuit is one less spent on another. This problem is so paralyzing that some people never even choose.”
(Just in case you forgot)

Seems like there’s a hidden notion of the meaning of opportunity cost in the statement. For every hour you spend on something, you have less for another. Which also seems pretty logical for the most part.

However, the real part of the quote that resonated with me was that “This problem is so paralyzing that some people never even choose.”

Which kinda struck a chord in me. I have always been all about that procrastination and instant gratification kind of gal so I choose the easy way out most of the times. Instead of studying, I play. Instead of working, I sleep. Instead of sleeping, I play. Yeah goes round and round, I’m ashamed that I am/ was(?) like that (before?) too. It has always been easier and the last minute all-nighters usually used to work too.

And now, since it doesn’t really work anymore, I just want change.

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You and Your Dream

In need of motivation? Finding yourself? Your dream? Your motivation? Read this.

This is for all you kids trying to find yourself and your dream. This is my epiphany that I would like to empower all of you with.

After my recent post on surviving depression, I’m going to follow up with this post about finding yourself and following your dream. Or vice versa, finding your dream and following yourself (I think that works as well haha)

Generally, people always want to put a meaning to life. Right? I don’t know about you guys but for me, I have always questioned what I was destined to do, what is my true purpose etc. However, I never actually really had a dream. Yes, I have had vague general ideas about how my life/ future should be when I was younger but I never really set actual goals for myself. All this while, I have been floating through the systematical education of today. I conform to the grind.

School -> Eat -> Sleep -> Repeat

But then, everything changed When the fire nation attacked  When the fire nation attacked

HAHAHA

Ok but its not all that funny anymore when depression attacks….

Anyways!

I have never actively went to seek out what I wanted/ liked/ was afraid it wouldn’t work out. And that’s really sad. Looking back, it’s really sad to think that I was living without a dream. I was just living to… die..? Living in a lack of a passion caused me a lot of problems. All this while, I have always been the type of person to ‘just pass can already’. I get contented easily. Not saying it’s not a good thing but it became a problem when I lacked the driving force to push me to work. And a dream gives you just that. It gives you passion.

I only realize just how important this passion was last year. It cost me a fair bit whole lot of existentialism. When I started university last year, I started looking at people around me and saw that most of them are very passionate about what they are doing. To be honest, it was both admirable and a bit very self-deprecating. There were other students who were equally as lost as me and that’s why I hope to share this epiphany with all the lost souls out there.

After thinking about this and reading multiple Facebook posts about people giving advice to their 20 year old self (Hey! That’s where I am now). It led me to realize that I have to start now. All that bullsheet advice about people telling you that you need to balance practicality and your dreams because some dreams just don’t make enough money. That’s right I just called that a whole load of crap. Scratch that. I completely in my whole human entirety decided that I would like to downright disagree with that argument. Screw that. Just go chase your dreams. No dream? Go find one. Damned right! Follow your heart if you want to. You literally only live once. And right now, let me tell you, this is the best time of your life to do whatever the hell you want.

Do whatever you want right now

Hold up! Say you lack the financial capability to support your dream, you have physical limitations to do what you want and whatever weak excuse that’s stopping you to do what you want. Then be the coward you are and continue running the rat race. But don’t go regretting ten years into the future that you forsook the possibility of following your dreams. Yes, you might be living in comfort because you followed the ‘practical’ path but just think about it, would you be happy?


Let’s consider the scenario that anything is possible. Literally anything!

On the condition that, you want it badly enough and you’re willing to work hard for it. Let me ignite the possibility in you that anything is possible if you want it to be.
ANYTHING! IS! POSSIBLE!

Parents/ people only tell you to find the balance between doing what you like and what brings home the dough because they’ve missed the train. The train of dreams. Yeah yeah talk about simultaneously finding a balance between passion and money or eventually growing to love what you do. But know that, right now at whatever age you are, it’s the best time to chase your dreams.

Why?

Because you have close to zero responsibilities right now to follow these dreams.

Why?

Image result for difference between young and old time energy and money

Why?

Think about what you want to be in 10-20 years time. Would you be content with just holding a regular job? For those currently pursuing education, just think about what you want to do after you graduate. Do you have an answer to that? Good for ya if you do.

If you don’t then I’d suggest you start thinking now. Lost now than lost later. Figure out now and plan from here. It’s really never too late.

To those who are studying what you don’t even like, then I seriously ask you to reconsider changing up your plans. Like how I am planning to. I have been there and I know what it’s like to do that. Let me ask you one simple question, what are you still doing there when it isn’t what you want to do in the future? Honestly, it’s a waste of time if you are using it as a safety net. As your second bet in case of ‘failure’. Why are you doing something that you don’t even like? Really. What the hell for? We know of many others that study and do completely different things after they graduate. What a waste of time, energy, money, resources and EVERYTHING!

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Why?

Stop asking why!!!!!! Just wo/man up and get to doing it already!

Image result for you only live once

Kudos to those who are actively pursuing their dream. Keep up the good work to those who are finding their dreams. And all the best to those who have yet to find their dreams.

I’ve been having these crazy thoughts.
Tell me. If not now, then when?

Disclaimer:
This post might cost you some existential crisis after reading but you’ve finished reading it already, haven’t you? Oopsy, I don’t mean to cause anyone an existential crisis. Hm.

But seriously, go find and follow your dream.


Xoxo,
Debsy 🙂

Anxiety

Is when

You can literally feel your heart jumping out of your chest

It’s when

You can feel the saliva filling your mouth from the back of your throat

It’s when

You can feel yourself trembling and not because you’re in a cold room

It’s when

All your senses are heightened to a point you just feel like screaming it out

Breaking down

Tearing all your hair off your head

Panicking because you think they’re looking at you strange

Finding the quickest escape route as if you’re in a danger zone

You feel as if you are

You know you are

When others around you can laugh at everything

And then there’s you,

Just laughing along

Just to make it seem like

You’re okay

Ok.

What’s it like to feel like

You’re okay?

What’s it like to feel normal?

What’s it like?

You never know the answers anymore

You used to be so certain

Now you’re ascertaining

You just want to hide

In the corner

All alone

With silence

Well

Hello Silence

My old friend

It’s nice to meet you once again

You know that they know

But you still try to mask these vulnerabilities

You’re hurting

But they don’t know

They don’t know

What’s it like to feel-
Anxiety

Do you?

Surviving Depression

Depression

Disclaimer: this is going to be a rather wordy post so… Settle down.

Depression is a silent illness, it eats you from the inside out. A lot of people over-exaggerate the real meaning of depression. What’s it like to feel depressed and to actually be in depression– there is a difference. Many simply throw around this terminology as if they have depression. Also, many who actually are suffering from depression don’t actually receive adequate and ample help. I’m sure everyone of us out there have their moments. Days where you’re beaten down and just don’t feel like it etc. But what does it really mean to have depression? 

Let’s put this on the table. I like to be real, raw and honest. I don’t like to sugarcoat things just for the sake of making things look pretty. Honestly, we are all human beings who have issues that we are struggling with (unless you are not then good for you lol). Some more obvious than others while some hide better than others.

So.

I have/ had/ still have depression.

Surprise surprise?

This topic is really personal for me to talk about but I have decided to put this out there in hope of helping someone/ anyone who might need it. If this topic doesn’t interest you, be my guest, click away. But I really want to help people like me– or rather people who could relate to me. So, I have decided to share this on the interwebs. For better or for worse? I don’t know, you decide.

Ok back to the topic.

A little back story for people who don’t really know me/ my story.

I am a 20 year old student who is currently taking a ‘gap year’ from university. To cut the long story short, I couldn’t cope with the rigor of university last year (back in 2016) and have decided to take a Leave of Absence from school. Many always ask me what am I doing with life now with so much free time to spare. Raw and honest, I tell them ‘nothing much la just go out with my friends every other day blah blah blah’. Absolutely nothing. But why? Why am I doing nothing? I am taking this time to recover from depression. I was clinically depressed. Meaning, I was on medications last year. I visited the psychiatrist and psychologist last year and took on psychotherapy sessions every few months. Tbh, those barely even helped anyways but wells that’s a story for another day.

Depression is a very very real thing. I really don’t know why there isn’t enough attention/ help given to the depressed. Many connote depressed people to people who are crazy or not normal or even attention seekers.

“She killed herself for attention”

This line from 13 Reasons Why really resonated with a part of me when I first watched it. Shout out to Selena Gomez and please please watch 13 Reasons Why if you haven’t. You have ABSOLUTELY NO reason why you shouldn’t (apologies for the bad pun haha) ok but it’s a really good show for I think almost everyone. I think whether you are a parent/ child/ student or not student- its a good show in general.

Did a quick research about depression and just for statistical proof. There are 350 million people in the world who suffer from depression. Suicide is the third-leading cause of death for young people ages 15 to 24. To put this on a localized context, NTU Students’ Survey Reveals 1 In 4 Singaporeans Suffer From Depression.

“Yet half of people affected by depression are not even seeking any help. The reason for not getting help? Fear of ridicule.”

Reading this breaks my heart because I was once there and I know exactly how it feels like. It’s sad really. Especially when people around you don’t understand. Nevermind them if they don’t want to help or even understand but its the ones that incite and spite you that just push you deeper and further down. Depression cripples you from the inside and eats you almost whole and alive. It’s so much worse than me trying to simplify it into words. When you go so far down to the point where the living isn’t even worth the living anymore.

Have you ever felt that way? I dare not curse this illness unto anyone. It is so bad it takes your life out from the insides. People don’t understand this because it is not something that can be seen. It can’t be seen like a bandaged broken arm, or felt like a fever, its in your head. And no one can see inside of your head.

It is literally: Out of sight, out of mind.

Maybe people you keep close could tell you’re acting a little different, dressing a little weird, saying things a little off your usual self.

But, sometimes, no one cares. Enough.

At least for me, I felt so alone when I had depression.

Maybe I closed myself off, maybe this maybe that. Let’s not play the blame game but it doesn’t diminish the fact that I slowly lost all my friends. Yes my family members were there for me but not extensively. I felt lonely at the surroundings of company. All my friends were asking where did I go why am I only replying them after three weeks months etc.

But no one, cared enough.

”I realize that depression can make me look like a douchebag. Like I don’t care about anyone or anything. But, really, I just don’t care about me.

My depression convinces me I’m worthless, so when I ignore your texts or tell you I’m too busy to hang out, I don’t feel guilty, like I’m hurting someone I love.

I feel like I’m doing you a favor. Like I’m saving you from the horrors of having to be my friend.

I feel like I’m letting you off the hook. Like I’m giving you the excuse you’ve been looking for to leave my life for good, to forget I ever existed.

When my depression hits hard, my self-worth gets warped. I don’t understand that you actually want to see me. That you actually miss looking into my eyes and hearing my voice. That you actually care.

So if I accidentally hurt you, please don’t take it to heart. I’m really not trying to be rude. I’m only trying to make it to tomorrow.’

Take time to read this article I chanced on Facebook

Nevertheless, I am still grateful for all the people who were there for me. Shoutout to you guys (especially my family members) who cared enough. I have made it through so far till today not by my strength alone but by the people who stood by me. I love you guys so much.

Also, my tip for not feeling so bad for yourself or living in bouts of pity party as so I have experienced. Its to be thankful for what you have and not petty about what you do not have. This really helped me a lot in my recovery process. At times I do it excessively to the point I undermine the hurt I feel as a coping mechanism. Additionally, everyone has different sized wounds no matter the size it still hurts.

Yes, its okay to cry over your pain, mope over your grief and wallow in pity. Definitely okay. Just build a bridge and get over it. The world works this way, not everything is going to go your way. Most people are going to go against you. Not everybody is going to be kind to you. But then there’s you.

I’ll just end this off with a fitting slogan-

“Be the change you wish to see in the world”